How you gave Your life away..


Where all else fades
Where my soul will dance with You
Where the love lasts forever



Just one dance,
for all eternity,


Is all i ask.

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die...
... .. ..
..... a time to tear and a time to mend..
... a time to search and a time to give up....

... a time to be silent and a time to speak... "

Ecclesiastis 3:1-8 ( well, selected bits from it )


I dont really come online anymore.. But tonight something unexpected and totally out of the blue happened. Someone approached me online and said something for which i totally can only stand back and say how great is our God!

He works in ways we cant phantom.
He works through our words and prayers... He also works in our less articulate moments.


Therein;
Sometimes, silence speaks louder than words.


However, let us never grow quiet on proclaiming HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!


P/s: To that person who catalysed this post, (and has a great name), thank you. =) might catch ya online sometime again!

Stroboscopic lights, booze, sea of faces, terrible offkey singing, sweat, mindless screaming and dancing.

The only thing missing is my cigarette.

Just keep on walking...
Walking...
And walking...
Into the night,
And disappear...

City of angels, i'm coming.

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong

See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

- Switchfoot

Papercuts,
Superficially deep,
Your crimson cascade,
Scarring,
As inwardly it seeps.

But; 

Give life to smiles again,
For surely as
Night preludes dawning day,
New chronicles to author,
Not denying yesterday’s pain,
Just acknowledging violent hope for tomorrow.

I'ver never rated my likes or dislikes. Never bothered to. But i know now for a fact, that this is something that definately makes the upper echlons of my hate hierachy. And i dont use the word hate lightly.

I hate this vulnerability of exposure of something not meant to be made known. It makes me angry, disgusted.

If you already know, then maybe its time i bid you adieu.

For the longest time, I thought i belonged to a group of people who fell under the label "Jack of all trades, but master of none." Was thinking it through tonight with a piano accompaniment, and i realized perhaps, i dont even qualify for the 'jack of all trades" bit.

And i still dont have my car.



Wheres that leave me?
Broken, contrite, with nothing in these hands to offer ---- But thats ok, because.

Lord, here I am. i am your creation, and this is all i have, this is all i am. You shaped the very contours of me, including my weaknesses. My prayer is that you use me if You will, cause all i have to give is my availability.

My God is just way too cool! If you dont believe me, why dont you come and experience Him for yourself first hand?

12 August 06 ( Sat night )
Elim Church, Harrow St

Just a night of entertainment, drama, music, FOOD, FOOD, FOOD, and making new cool friends. Nothing heavy.

Just a warning though, if you do come, be prepared to be blown away! Not by anyone of us there, but rather, that gnawing at the inside of you, those pesky questions that drives you nuts, totally, the emptiness maybe, or that need you have which no one alive knows about, will in some way be treated. Come seeking and you'll be pleasantly suprised. I know i have been, time and time again. As recently as yesterday and today even! You see my few posts, well, if this God can help me, little ol' Malaysian me, what more you?!

After all, like I said earlier, my God is way too cool. He doesnt need me to promote or defend Him.

See ya there!

P/s: Need more details/tranport, give me a text!

PLEASE dont do this to me now. I dont have to put up with this #$%^&*(), and i dont want to either. Forgive me, but I'm too tired and right now, i dont want to care.

They echo,
These lies, untruths in disguised reality,
They flutter like fresh white petals,
floating down that sparkling stream,
the peaceful exterior,
betraying of hidden arrears.

"Are you ok?"
From the inside out, what to say?
The truth, what is?
"I'm fine", neither false but not enitrely true,
and vice-versa.
To not burden another, and be stong instead;
Or be human and unleash inner juxtaposes and frets.
"i'm not ok."
A lie, is it?

Why do certain camoflouges of the heart silken the skin?
Why do certain absences drinks an elixer of hope and angst?
Why do certain presences bring freedom at the same time unworthiness and confusion?
Why do certain sweet angels bring plunder, while inner demons shout temporal relief?
This enchanment of what is, what not, the ever puzzle of a disappearing non-existance.
A flower for the Kings of Narnia, waterfalls for the innocent children.
A resistance to the obvious, a release of a ghost that lingers.

The average struggles of a normal human being, i have overcome in You, yet still of the flesh i am bogged down by myself.

The truth of a lie, or a lie of the truth?
The truth of a lie, or a lie of the truth?
The truth of a lie, or a lie of the truth?
The truth of a lie, or a lie of the truth?
The truth of a lie, or a lie of the truth?
The truth of a lie, or a lie of the truth?
The truth of a lie, or a lie of the truth?

And the chance just flew me by, just like that.
And nothing left, but prudence versus regrets.

And i'm left with the haunting question: What else can i do?

So i was wrong. That wasnt my last random post.

At dinner, Amy told me that i looked like the new guy from HK. Then Annie said that Ralph looks like Jay. heh. HMM. lol. Waning wants to do my hair like Jay's for the skit anyways.. Though having seen Edison's, not sure i wanna make it permanant ay.. not my style? lol.

And i learnt how to say hippopotamus in korean.

Perry made it back to Aquinas in 8 minutes, my record stands at 13 minutes to St Davids. There's music practice in an hour, yay! So much for my afternoon plans of digging into UMAT and lecture notes. But i'll take music practice any day over work.

And the other new girl at Aquinas (theres 3 of them, welcome to Aquinas ya'll! =) ), is called Lorraine. And that reminds me of a personal story which i vaguely remember as i was just 9, but my mom loves reminding me about.. >< But wont be telling that here. Heh.

And oh. Tonight's curry chicken and venison something was nice!! =)

I'm off!

I just woke up.

And that would have made it about a 3 hour nap. Never had such a long nap in my life, feels slightly guilty, but it sure feels good! My body's probably trying to tell me something.. Kern kern. *shakes head* On a lighter note, i just got a text from a fren saying that she had been sleeping all afternoon and slept my share too. lol! Thanks, but i kinda slept a little myself. Just a little.. =)

That reminds me of physics today, and a conclusion i reached last year doing 7th form physics in christchurch.. Bear with me for a tad..

So based on the well-established theories of classical physics, matter, including our human bodies are made of atoms. And it goes further, the accepted hyphotesis is that all atoms are composed of a neutron centre surrounded by electrons orbiting the neutron. (kinda like the sun and the planets). So, if the outermost orbital of the outermost electron is the boundary of an atom, an atom is mostly empty space right? (like the orbit of pluto being the perimeter of this huge 'atom' )

Having made some calculations, we then find out that the the outermost orbit of an electron from it's neutron is 250 times further than the orbit of pluto from the sun. thats A LOT of empty space!!

Given these atoms are assumed to occupy space, and we are made of atoms which dont overlap, so that means.. Our bodies are actually just empty space with several dots (neutrons) all over?!!?

Well. Sometimes physics really really boggles the mind!

And 2 seperate incidents happening this week that per chance happen to be regarding something similar:

Situation 1: Sunday lunch in Friendly with Jen, Stef, Nadia, Ern, and Jacob

Stef:".... *i cant remember what she said, but its just definately not related to what jen heard*.. "
Jen:"what? can you say that again? I heard you say you wanted to be a big potato"

Ironically, Stef IS statiscally right when she said that she's a head taller than msian girls.

Situation 2: Walking down Aquinas hill with Annie(new korean girl who came to aquinas in 2nd sem) and Ern

Ern and Annie were conversing in korean. After a while, i thought i'll be smart and say something ( Annie has tried teaching me some korean phrases and words, although i misplaced the tissue on which all the words were scribled on >< ) So i just randomed a phrase which i thought fit in with their conversation.. Then Annie asked, "huh? why did you say potato, kern?"

Kern: "Nani...."   --__--"

Kern random factfile: Likes: A good massage
                               Dislikes: Being frown at

And yes. Thats my random post for today, maybe the next few days too.. And oh, i actually enjoy lectures this semester, especially Biol 115. =)

I'm sorry. Maybe i lied.

While i'm on that topic, just wanna voice out a heartfelt thank you to the people who have bothered to make an effort to respond to some of my more personal blogs, bringing encouragement through the little notes or emails or comments or texts. =) Its the little things like these, the simple gestures that keeps me believing, hoping and loving. Inspiring love that helps that previously insurmountable tiring mountain seem like part the backdrop of a beautiful landscape instead. God-sent angels, all of you, in each your own special way! Love ya all!

Lord, bless these special people, that the love that overflows from them will be poured back out into their lives, with double portions. That we would continue to help carry each other's yokes and burdens, through this simple love of yours, that in this community of believers, your word be fulfilled. Amen!

I didnt intend to blog this at this hour. Not at all. Reason being i'm just flat out having only finally being able to sit down in my room since leaving for church at 745am this morning, but its been an awesome day! =)

Anyways. This post is not about today. Rather this post is about an essence of life, a gem of a progressive realization which is borne out of 2 lives, rubbing together side by side, not passive, yet not the most active. But out of that short period of time where we did walk side by side; literally at times, the many facets of you which maybe i've never fully let you know how much i appreciate you, more and more so as i find out the harsh realities of this life, that you have been perhaps the single person, the only person whom i feel have seen right through me.

I've always held your opinions in high regards. No doubt. But more importantly, after your recent email, it confirmed as much. Even back then, you wondered many things about me, whether what you saw on the surface was truly me. You have no idea how much i've learnt about myself based on what you said of me. Somethings i was totally suprised at, somethings i rather shamefully regret to admit, other things i felt you were spot on.

I would just post the poem you wrote if i could, but i didnt think you'll appreciate that. Well, i wont, not without your permission.

In all your letters/notes/emails/, i'm always greeted by a truth about me that smacks me square in the face, both good or bad. That you always seem to be able to see through me. Despite your inscurities about our friendship at times, feeling like you're being presumptious in calling me a close friend, i say this to you know, after 19 years of life, you're still the one who sometimes i feel knows me better than anyone else, even myself. You may have not known most details, but you always knew a general idea of whats up.

The many things you deliberately chose not to mention it then, has now come to the fore. Thank you for being such an awesome support, not mincing your words, trying to suger coat the truth, but yet expressing them with such elegance, that i cannot be offended.

Dear friend, long may you keep revealing secrets to me about myself that you see which are blinded to me. You've truly been God-sent.

Thank you so much. So much. =)

Agape,
Kern

4am in the morning, signals of the impending and ever-pressing need to sleep. Why am i still awake when that is the single physical commodity that i need above anything else this world has to offer?

4:01am. And its even closer to the conclusion of what i felt was an 'off day' for me. A day where you never really woke up alive in the morning, just waltzed your way through the day, none the wiser. One of those days.

And maybe these insecurities are borne out of a sleep-deprived brain, when one thing builds on the past thing, and suddenly you're faced with this insurmountable mountain which on another day, is the same height, but only you're normal sized this time, not the midget mouse of today.

But i am tired of trying to prove myself to an audience who are never satisfied anyway.

And i wonder, is there anyone out there who really understands the real me hiding behind my masks, what i stand for and why i do what i do; someone who would know what i feel simply by looking at me, the way my eyes glaze over, my loud silence, or just when my lips quiver ever the slightest; someone who'll support me unconditionally, not including my mistakes, but me as a person, and be there when i need you; or someone who'll just appreciate me for me, not taking me for granted and not making silent demands of me which are right now just beyond me. Do you exist?

Just read Sulyn's latest post, and it remimded me of something i wrote, which i shall dedicate to Sulyn:

how long more must i pretend,
behind unfitting masks of old,
will anyone ever understand,
this facade of faces, pretence screaming bold.

Random Kern fact of the day: For some wierd reason, i've always wanted to smash a glass bottle.

Just maybe when i wake up tomorrow, these insecurities can again melt away into the dusty confines, shelved away for awhile, only to be aroused on another day when i'm not alive, but simply just existing.

My nose has started bleeding again, among other things.

"And these 3 things remain, faith hope and love; and the greatest of these 3 is love"

This verse has long been one of my favorite verses. For many years, it was something i held on to, something that i viewed as a road map for my life. Its been popping up quite a bit lately, was in Ps Mike's sermon, Ariel's blog, Nadia's blog etc.. Since this post has been brewing for quite a while on the insides of me, so i finally relent.

A close friend once told me that i've been blessed by the simple gift of love.

How detached i feel even writing that. Like looking at the statement from a third person's perspective, hovering like a spirit away from this body, watching, disbelieving.

Ever since i became a born again christian, and god-inspiredly-led me to that verse, i made a decision. That was probably when i was 11 or 12. At that time, i was suffering from verbal abuse in school, so bad that it reflected in many areas of my life. The curse of the words i was branded with day after painful day in school stuck. "sissy!!" I could do nothing right it seemed, even actions borne out of good will ended in disaster so beautiful, its poetic. I had almost daily arguments with my parents. I got on my sisters' nerves. I did stupid things to myself, some resulting in physical pain. I didnt bond immediately with my stepmom ( who now, i call mom, never once in my eyes was she a replacement, or stepmom. just mom ). You see, i never knew my birth mom. She passed away when i was 3. While it was that incident which brought my dad and subsequently my family to christ, while i've never really given it much thought, while i've always brushed aside people's questions by saying i didnt know much because i was so young, i miss you mom. I never got to know you, and although i've never said this to anyone in my life, i do wonder what you'll say to me if you could see me now.

In a nutshell, i was your classic problem kid with an attitude. There was so much anger, so much hate, so much frustration. Until by the power of prayer, which no doubt my dad prayed, night after night when i was asleep, i began to see light at the end of the tunnel. When i emerged, and made my dad's religion my own, i decided that i would a life which would speak to the hurting, a firm gentleness in this soul to connect with other hurting souls. I decided to live a life of love. And it has always been my prayer, that this life would be a blessing to the people around me, that the love of God showered on my life would overflow out of me into others. That the hurting would find some comfort and hope. That people, regardless of age, gender, religion or current state of emotions would see in my life a God that loves unconditionally.

But where am i now?

I feel so dry, so dry. Like i've lost the ability to love, to make small differences in people's lives..

Just recently, read another close friend's blog and it was talking about how it was the small things in life that matters. I truly believe that. But i seem to have lost touch with the very thing i want my life to be defined by..

I also believe with all my heart that love is more than a feeling, it is a choice. That you can love without feeling loving..

But right now.. I just seem lost.. sucked dry..

Sure, i can still be joyful. I am. But i just dont feel that i am making a difference in the lives of people around me.. my flatmates.. hallmates.. Vivos and Zoes.. new friends.. close friends.. not so close friends.. family.. aquaintances.. even strangers..  Like the verse says, even if you do the most amazing things for God, have the most outrageous talents, but if you dont have love, you are but a clanging gong, empty. Am i but a clanging gong? I feel that way.. Just empty..

Was talking to jen recently about thinking of who i used to be.. the person i once was, who did make a difference by loving people through the small. Where has he gone? I believe i am now wiser, more mature, less naive, but if i've lost love, what use is that?

Lord, i know of your great unconditional love. I may be somewhat blinded now, but i know for sure of your unconditional love that you cloth my naked life with, day after day, unfailing velvet royal love. Love that hurts to bring neccassary growth, love that makes me smile for no reason, love that makes me hope, and ultimately the love that gives my life a purpose -- to share that love and make it known. Lord, i am undeserving, unworthy. But i pray that Lord, show me how to live, teach me how to love, that i may be an effective vessel for you again, that my life may once again reek of your love, that out of the overflowing abundance of grace you decided to lavish on me, it shall be a reservoir of love that it should seep into the lives of people, knowingly or unknowingly, but only for your glory. That they may know that my God is love. That my God loves each and everyone of them even to death without blinking. No greater love than this love --- Your love. And that they would for a moment forget the troubles that begets them to receive and revel in your love and to love you back.

Lord, I could simply never love You more than You love me, no matter how hard i try. Teach me how to love again.




I love you.